Preps
by Hiddeninsnow
Summary: The citizens of Sunnydale, including our heroine Buffy, start to turn into Mary Sues and Gary Stus! Can the rest of the Scoobys save the town in time?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: My first attempt at writing Buffy fan-fiction, hope you all enjoy the crackiness of it. This chapter is also somewhat uneven, but I will make sure that future chapters will be more paced out.  
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* * *

**"Giles, I am so glad you came here when you did, something's horribly wrong with Buffy,"

Willow Rosenberg sat down as Rupert Giles walked into the room of Buffy Summers, Sunnydale's current vampire slayer and leader in the fight against evil vampires and demons.

"What seems to be the matter, Willow?" Giles asked.

"Buffy is doing it again, only this time, its worse: she started cutting herself, claiming that she needs to, like…hear Angel's voice,"

"Hear Angel's voice?"

"Yeah, she's basically going to do something really stupid if we can't get through to her, she's been in her closet all day, blasting Muse," Giles sighed and walked to Buffy's closet, knocking on it lightly.

"Buffy? Are you alright?" Suddenly, Buffy burst out from the door and burst into tears. Her usually blonde hair had been dyed brown, her skin was a chilling pale and her wrists had enormous cuts on them.

"GO AWAY, PREP!!" Buffy shrieked, trying to push Giles away.

"Buffy, you can't hurt yourself," Giles stumbled as Buffy shoved him down next to Willow.

"No one cares about me! Angel was my _everything_, but he ditched me and I must die to hear my Adonis speak to me!" Buffy cried, cutting into her wrists once again with a stake.

"Geeze, whine louder, would you?" Buffy's sister Dawn walked behind the slayer, holding her backpack in her right hand.

"Dawn, could we be alone with Buffy in here?" Willow asked as Buffy wept and fell onto her bed.

"Fine…I'll come back later," Dawn muttered, walking away to her room.

"Willow, do you know if anyone else is in a state similar to Buffy's?" Giles asked the witch.

* * *

"Oh, Anya, how every word of yours makes me…chagrin," Xander cooed as he lay briskly in front of his demonic girlfriend.

"Xander, you don't want to be with me, I'm a killer!" Anya attempted to warn.

"I cannot live with my everything, the one that makes me chagrin so," Xander insisted.

"This…is the flesh of a spree killing vengeance demon," Anya snarled through her lips. She tore off her shirt and jeans and her skin turned into solid rubies, making her look like a solid red sculpture.

"I love you, my Anya!" Xander shouted, standing up and embracing her.

"And then the bunny fell in love with the cheetah…that will pin it down, strangle it, skin it, absorb it's meaty juices and then eat it's innards," Anya smiled ever so lightly.

"…I love you, too," Xander said.

* * *

"I am so, oh, bored," Dawn complained as she finished her latest math assignment.

"Willow says that she's sorry," Dawn turned to see Tara, Willow's girlfriend, in front of the door to her room.

"Oh, hey Tara, I know she only wanted me out to deal with Buffy," Dawn said.

"Has Buffy been exposed to anything that could have triggered this change in her?"

"Miss Emo hasn't really done anything except for read," Tara stepped forward and leaned towards Dawn.

"What kind of books?"

"Just those _Twilight_ books, Buffy wanted to read more about the average person's views of vamps, so she started with those," Dawn answered. Tara's mouth widened and the two exchanged glances. The two women stood up and ran out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

"Mr. Giles, we need to fix Buffy!" Dawn demanded, her worries over her sister increasing by every passing day.

"I've told you this five times already, Dawn, we are working on finding a cure for Buffy's…situation," Giles scolded. Dawn pouted her lips and plopped next to Willow and Tara, whom were scanning through a copy of _Eclipse_.

"There's nothing here that could do something like that to Buffy…well, I guess she could've had a large part of her intelligence killed with this horrific writing," Tara examined.

"IT IS NOT HORRIFIC!" Giles bellowed. The three women stared up at the Watcher; he took off his glasses and wiped them down. Out of the blue, a loud knocking sounded throughout his apartment.

"I'll get it," Tara assured, stepping up to answer the door for whoever was there. She opened it with her light hand and Spike rushed in, hidden under a blanket to cover his body from the bright sunlight outside.

"Spike, what are you doing here?" Giles asked.

"Any of you know where Buffy is? I presumed she'd be here in Rupe's place since that's where you Scoobies usually sod around," Spike requested, ignoring Giles and his glare completely.

"Buffy's not here, just sit down and read," Giles growled, grabbing the vampire and shoving him down onto the couch with a copy of _Breaking Dawn_.

"What is this sodding book about?" Spike asked.

"Oh, it's about a whiny little bitch that falls in love with an abusive twat of a vampire!" Willow said gleefully.

"…Did Willow just call someone a twat?" Dawn asked, as confused as the others. Willow blushed and would have tried to hide herself, if Tara had not been sitting on her lap.

"I can be mean sometimes, that isn't just a trademark of Cordelia and Harmony's you know," Willow murmured.

"You'd probably find these books really offensive, Spike. The vampires don't even die in the sun, they sparkle," Dawn said.

"Vampires…sparkle? Vampires that sparkle?" Spike looked down at the book in his lap and then burst into laughter. The vampire even fell down, crushing Giles' coffee table, laughing so hard that his body shook.

"Vampires that bloody sparkle in the sun?! That's even funnier than when Angel turning into a Muppet!" Spike wheezed as he tried to control himself.

"Alright, Spike, it's time for you to go!" Giles insisted, clutching Spike's hair and dragging him to a standing position.

"But Mr. Giles, he didn't do anything wrong besides break your table!" Dawn shouted. Giles snarled at Dawn and then opened the copy of _Breaking Dawn_. Instantly, a large vine torpedoed out of the pages and wrapped itself around Spike. Dawn screamed as it constructed around the vampire and squeezed him tightly, Spike could only struggle as the life was literally drained out of him. Giles smirked as another series of vines grew out and eventually took the form of…Spike.

"Hello, Spike," Giles said.

"What did you do to Spike?!!" Dawn interjected.

"Made me better than ever, lil' bit," Spike answered, smirking as he open the window.

"Now, this is the skin of a _real _vampire," Spike smirked, his skin transforming into a set of pure diamonds.

"How about we teach these dirty girls a lesson?" Giles asked.

"Oh no…they got Giles, that's why when he was angry, he wasn't making that weird clicking nose with his tongue," Willow said.

"Dawnie, let's get out of here," Tara insisted, Dawn nodded and ran out of the apartment with Tara.

"Give me back Giles and Spike, now," Willow demanded.

"We are Giles and Spike," Giles said as he placed a firm grasp on a battle axe.

"You are not my friends, I want them back, right now," Willow said, forming a sword purely from her own magic.

"Well, bring it, witch," Spike snarled. Willow raised her sword, but before she could even think of doing anything, Spike ran towards her and threw her out of the house, sending her flying. Spike chagrined and ran outside, the sun making his skin sparkle so brightly.

"He's cheating, Tara! Willow doesn't have any special _Twilight_ powers!" Dawn shouted.

"Dawnie, Willow can take of he-"Spike punched Tara down, knocking her unconscious and grabbed Dawn, who was kicking and screaming.

"GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!!!!!!" Dawn wailed as she tried to break the hold he had on her.

"You are going to let Dawn go now, or I am going to have to do this the hard way," Spike turned to see the red-haired witch herself, levitating as she garnered lightning in her hands.

"No, I think the lil' bit will enjoy life, being sixteen forever," Spike growled as Dawn cried and struggled to get away from him.

"There will be no siring for you, today!" The group looked up as a white ray of light smashed into the ground. Willow and Spike down and Dawn fell against Giles' car as out of this white light came, the one and only, Cordelia Chase.

"…Cordelia? When did you become so…Heavenly?" Willow stuttered.

"The Powers That Be sent me down to assist you, Will," Cordelia said, in a surprisingly calm tone.

"Oh, I am going to enjoy feeding off of you, you little bi-"

"Yap, yap, yap, shut up, already!" Cordelia grabbed Spike and flung him away, turning before she could see him smash into the house on the opposite lane.

"Wow, you're like a superwoman now!" Willow complimented.

"Thanks…and, before I help you, I have to say something: I'm a lot nicer now, since I dropped the whole quote-unquote 'high-school mindset'," Willow stepped back, her face turning a dark shade of cardinal.

"Well…I didn't know you could see me…with all of your new powers and stuff…" Willow stuttered out, somewhat scared of the prospect of Cordelia, her old High School nemesis, being a higher being.

"And I never thought I'd have to actually come back to Crapville USA, whatever, I'm here to help you defeat the new threat,"

"Do you know what's causing all of this _Twilight_ mayhem?"

"Yes, but we need to get the one person who knows how to stop this better than any of us,"

"And that person is?"

* * *

"Are you really, one hundred and ten percent sure, _she_, of all people, can help us?" Dawn asked Cordelia.

"Of course," Cordelia assured as she knocked on the door of an apartment door. Cordelia smiled wide as the biggest chance the group had to defeating this new evil answered.

"CORDY!!!" Harmony Kendall, Cordelia's best friend from Sunnydale High turned vampire assistant, squealed.


	3. Chapter 3

"What are you doing here, Cordy?" Harmony asked as she let Cordelia, Willow, Dawn and Tara inside her apartment.

"Cordelia, word, elsewhere," Willow gripped Cordelia's shirt and forcefully tugged her into the kitchen.

"Are you serious, Cordelia?! Of all the people who could be this great help to us, it has to be _Harmony_?" Willow growled; Cordelia rolled her eyes and placed her petite hand on the witch's shoulder. Before any words could leave her lips, a loud, crashing noise sounded from behind them. It was Spike, holding the chunk of apartment he just tore off. Harmony screamed as Buffy ran in front of the blond vampire and used a crossbow to shoot an arrow directly in Harmony's heart.

"Harm!" Cordelia screamed. Harmony turned to her old friend; she then shattered into nothing but a pile of dust.

"You all have to believe! You all refuse to believe that what I share with Spike is true love! You all are stupid preps and not beautiful and gothic like Spike and I are!" Buffy wailed, kissing Spike afterwards.

"I thought you were trying to kill yourself for Angel?" Dawn asked.

"Angel and Riley didn't work out, but Spike loves me, he even deleted my myspace and facebook and destroyed my cell phone and all of my methods of transporting from any location not near him because he loves me," Buffy chagrined, embracing Spike tightly.

"He...messed with your myspace…a-after all of that time I spent with you trying to get the layout to work?!" Tara stuttered out incredulously. Buffy nodded as she tore off Spike's shirt to display his glittering skin. Willow furthered her eyebrows in disgust, her hands sparkling with green lightning once again. Dawn screamed and flailed her arms as Buffy charged and raised a handgun from her pocket. Willow shot lightning bolts at Buffy, but she performed a back flip and evaded any damage. She pulled her gun's trigger, sending a bullet flying straight into Willow's chest. Dawn screamed again and ran around in circles; Spike tripped the young woman and threw a copy of _Breaking Dawn_ at her. Dawn could only scream as she was constricted and engulfed by vines. A minute later, a new Dawn was created.

"Tara…Cordelia…stop them…please," Willow begged as her life began to collect in a pool around her. Tara ran to her side and grabbed her lover, putting her arm around her shoulder, while Cordelia charged into battle and put her fists up.

"Cordelia, you can't stop us, it's the time for the words of Stephenie Meyer to reign supreme!" Buffy grunted as a punch she attempted was blocked.

"I'm a higher power, bitch! It's the time for me to kick your small, boney ass!" Cordelia sucker-punched Buffy and the Slayer flew back and crashed into a wall.

"Spike, my platinum blond Adonis, get Dawn and return to Sunnydale!" Buffy ordered, Spike grabbed the two sisters and flew away.

"Willow, are you alright?" Tara asked immediately after she set Willow down.

"I'm going to die…you need my magic…kill them all," Willow raised her hand up to Tara's chest, smiling.

"Avenge my death, Tara," And with those words, the redheaded witch died and every last ounce of magic inside her small body rushed out and struck her lover.

"Tara, are you alright?" Cordelia asked. Tara levitated above as her body crackled with absolute magic; her eyes were a particularly dark shade of ebony.

"You heard my girl, I have to go back to Sunnydale…finish what we started, once and for all," Cordelia walked in front of Tara and grabbed her left wrist. The latter shook it lose and disappeared in a haze of blood red.

"Oh…Oh, God, no," Cordelia muttered.

"Hey Cordy, I didn't know you were here," Cordelia jumped as Angel, the vampire himself, appeared in the hallway.

"I was just in the bathroom, I would come nearer, but you know, there's a little too much sun where you are," Angel looked around, seeing Willow's body and a comatose Dawn.

"Angel, something really bad is happen…Hey, what a minute, you were in the bathroom? I didn't think vampires could…you know,"

"It took a lot of effort, which is why I was in there since about an hour before you and the gang arrived,"

"Well, anyways, we have to go to Sunnydale, Willow's dead, Dawn's one of them and Tara's turned into Dark Phoenix 2: Magical Boogaloo,"

"Gather the rest of the crew…and a blankie for myself,"

"Ay, ay, Captain," Cordelia tossed him Harmony's pink, unicorn-covered blanket and smirked.

* * *

"Look, Spike, it's about to start!" Buffy cried in awe as she stood next to the vampire, waiting for something to start.

"I'm glad everyone in town has a chance to witness this, it's the once in a lifetime opportunity," Spike agreed. The ground began to shake, people poured out of their houses to what was going down. Buffy and Spike kissed passionately, as did Xander and Anya when they exited the Magic Box. Suddenly! Out of the ruins of Sunnydale High, shot a massive tower made entirely of crystals. Vines shot everywhere, swallowing the city whole.

"We have to stop it, _now_,"

Three cloaked figures stood outside of the city, which was now completely ridden of any flaws and bad characteristics whatsoever.

"Look, we have to wait for them to come back with Angel's team; we can't make a move until we have backup,"

"But, as we just stand guard, we risk having a possible leak,"

"I'll get up a containment spell, it should work…but, alas, not for long,"

"We just have to wait, it's all we can do right now,"

"Who's standing at the top of that thing? Her dress kind of looks like the Scarlet Witch's costume,"

"Citizens of Sunnydale!" A voice boomed from the top of the crystal tower.

"Oh my god, she's talking to us!" Xander squealed.

"She's talking to people who aren't just property, honey, but you can kid yourself," Anya cooed.

"I am so glad you all believe…we have converted this town, but we must convert the rest of California, then the rest of America, then the rest of North America…and soon, the entire world will be special snowflakes and kneel before Stephenie Meyer!" Stephenie cackled as she stood above the town on the top of her tower.

"Yay! I'll be useful!" Buffy squealed.

"No, you won't be," Spike reassured.


	4. Chapter 4

"You can't go into there! It's forbidden!" Anya flailed her arms like Fantasia Barrino as Tara pulled every last book containing black magic around her. The pages literally tore themselves free of their prison and torpedoed onto Tara's skin. The witch exhaled as she absorbed spell after spell, the very essence of the magic becoming one with her.

"Anya, is something wrong?" Dawn asked as she walked in with Xander.

"Property, pin the witch down!" Anya commanded of her lover. Tara rolled her eyes and kicked Xander down.

"Is that really a way to show a guest, Anya?" Tara grinned as the last of the magic entered her body.

"You need to get rid of those flaws, have a _Twilight_ condom!" Anya grabbed a large box of sparkling condoms.

"Um…well, I'm kinda too gay to really need any condoms," Anya charged the witch mid-sentence.

"Let's sharpen this up, shall we?" Tara punned; she grabbed a dagger and concentrated on it as Anya regrouped herself. Tara looked Anya dead in the eyes and the dagger split into over a dozen. Each one shot at the shopkeeper, cracking her ruby skin. Tara raised her hands and shot massive beams of violet energy at the shopkeeper, blasting her skin off.

"ANYA! MY MASTER!" Xander stumbled outside and steadied Anya.

"Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme!" Crimson magic blasted from the witch's hands and covered Xander and Anya, making them solid rock.

"What did you do, you carrier of flaws?" Dawn snarled.

"They wanted their love to last forever…I kind of helped them, don't you think?" Dawn stepped back; Tara turned her attention to the teenager.

"Dawnie, here's something fun you can do: walk through the fire, bitch!" Dawn screamed and ran around in a circle as Tara's hands lit up like matches made of flesh and blood. The flame shot from her hands and engulfed Dawn's skin, than her flesh and finally her skeleton. All that was left was a pile of ashes.

"You are a harpy!" Spike and Buffy stood hand-in-hand behind Tara. The witch snarled at the couple and stepped down.

"Spike, let me snap her neck!" Buffy asked.

"Furniture, just sit down," Spike snapped Buffy's legs and slammed her down.

"What's the matter Spike, can't handle my cobrastyle?" Tara was flung back as a cobra, as massive as a skyscraper, flew out of her body and smashed onto the ground with one massive thud.

"I can take anything you throw at me, harpy,"

* * *

"Is there anyway to help her?" Angel asked Wesley Wyndam-Price as he flashed a miniature flashlight on Dawn's eyes.

"I'm afraid there's no way to ever wake her up from this comatose state," Wesley determined. Dawn screamed and flailed suddenly, reawakening from her Mary Sue state.

"Dawn, please stay still and go to sleep so I can be right!" Wesley ordered.

"Bite me…random British-sounding guy…who kind of reminds me of Giles," Dawn said whilst standing up.

"Dawn, do you know where you are? I am Cordelia, repeat it with me, Cor-del-ia," Dawn rolled her eyes and walked to Angel.

"This is your CSI lab, Angel?" Dawn asked.

"Of course, meet the team, Dawn," Angel nodded.

"I'll meet them later; we have to go to Sunnydale, Tara's on a rampage there, she killed me and turned Xander and Anya into statues,"

"You heard her, let's go,"

"But Angel, killing someone isn't a threat, I mean, I've technically been dead before," Fred Burkle refuted. The rest of Angel's team nodded in agreement.

"I've technically been killed twice before," Lorne added in.

"It doesn't matter how many times we've all died," Angel began to argue.

"It doesn't, cause I still hold the record," Angel and his team all gasped at the sight of Darla, Angel's sire, standing at the doors.

"Darla, didn't you die…again?" Wesley asked.

"A wizard brought me back," Darla answered.

"It…it all checks out," Fred concurred as she wrote out some equations on the wall.

"My boss told me to fetch whatever was left of your team to help fight against the quote-unquote 'Big Bad'," Darla explained.

"How can we trust you?" Cordelia sneered. The vampire gave Cordelia her best "You're a dumbass," look and pushed her blonde hair back.

"I have a soul, little girl, when I was brought back…again; it was restored to ensure I wouldn't eat the crew,"

"Crew?"

"All will be explained later, let's go,"

* * *

"Spike, have you murdered the witch?" Stephenie asked as Spike and Buffy entered her crystal tower of oppression.

"Yes, she was easy to slaughter, like a less stupid and pathetic Buffy," Spike slammed Tara's corpse down.

"Like a less stupid and disgusting me! Like a less stupid and disgusting me!" Buffy repeated.

"I need the blood of a Slayer to finish my spell," Spike smiled and pulled Buffy's left arm clean off. Buffy wailed as her blood shot into Stephenie's cauldron.

"The spell is complete! Let reality and logic itself bend to my will!" Stephenie cackled as an ebony energy blew out of the tower and consumed everything.

* * *

"What just happened?" Angel asked.

"Oh no…it's happened," Darla murmured in horror.

"_What _has happened?!" Angel repeated angrily.

"Angelus…Stephenie Meyer just murdered all logic…for real," Angel gasped.

"Guys, where's Lorne?" Cordelia asked, searching for the green demon.

"Angel...we need to kill this bitch now!" Dawn growled, Angel gasped again as Dawn walked next to the vampire, she had transformed into a centaur!

"This is getting crazy, I mean, Dawn becoming a horse demon?" Charles Gunn commented incredulously.

"I'm a centaur, half-human, half-horse, dumbass…God, I want some hay," Dawn said, she stepped over and peed in a corner.

"Did you not hear me before? All common logic is gone, anything goes, why do you think Angelus and I aren't being fried up by the sun?!" Darla hissed.

"I just thought it was a hole in all of the action going on," Cordelia shrugged.

"Indeed, we must go to Sunnydale fast," Angel gasped yet again as Fred displayed an interesting new look, completed with red leather and blue hair.

"Fred…that is certainly an interesting look for you," Wesley commented. Fred gave Wesley a "Are you really this stupid?" look and turned away from the former Watcher.

"Winifred is not equipped to handle this situation, I am Illyria," Angel gasped and fell down, turning into dust.

"Angel suffered overgaspment!" Dawn screamed

"Is he going to be alright?" Darla asked.

"Yeah, in a day or so, I don't remember a lot of things…stupid TV!" Dawn grabbed out a mini TV from her torn pants and started to watch _Futurama_.

"Oh no…I have to leave, guys…The Powers are _not _happy with what's happening," Cordelia disappeared in a flash of white light, leaving the remaining heroes.

"Well, with Angel and Cordelia out, I guess that makes me leader of our operation," Wesley smugly decided, tugging on his shirt's collar.

"What's our next move, Wes?" Gunn asked.

"We make a sneak attack," Wesley answered grimly. Dawn giggled and started to dance, clunking her hooves together.

"What are you doing, Dawn?" Wesley tiredly requested of Dawn.

"It's Slurms Mackenzie! The real party worm! Whimmy wham, wham wozzle!" Dawn exclaimed.


	5. Chapter 5

"Well, we're boned,"

Dawn, Wesley, Gunn, Illyria and Darla looked as dozens, maybe even hundreds of trucks, filled to the tip with _Twilight _books were driven out.

"Stephenie Meyer is literally taking over the world, we should just quit," Dawn whined, stomping her hooves.

"We can't quit now, you foolish human girl!" Darla hissed from her pale lips at the centaur.

"I'm only half-human, and you're non-human!" Dawn retorted, smugly grinning.

"Ladies, stop it, we need to stay together and not tear each other apart," Gunn interrupted.

"Let's continue my plan, sneaking and attacking Stephenie Meyer and her army," Wesley said.

"Your plan appears to be not working, Wesley Wyndam-Price," Illyria said.

"Why not?"

"Because, we are surrounded," The group gasped as they were surrounded by…Buffy, along with Spike, Anya, Xander and Giles.

"Buffy, why is your hair so fugly and brown?" Dawn asked.

"I am not Buffy, I am Isabella Dark'ness Cullen and I am destined to slay preps like you!" Buffy chagrined.

"…Yeah, we're boned," Dawn said.

"Halt! You creatures of the partial night!"

"Who is interrupting us, Alice?" Xander asked Anya. Two of the three hooded figures walked from the shadows, with the other floating by their side.

"Now!" Darla shouted. One of the figures pulled out a large flamethrower and shot flames all over Xander, Anya and Giles.

"Owowowowowowow!" The figure himself tried to slap out a fire on his arm.

"For Hecate's sake," The floating figure took off her hood and gathered the fire into a single sphere, floating above her right hand.

"I told him I needed an actual one and not just a prototype," Jonathon Levinson said as he tossed his flamethrower away.

"He'll probably give you an actual one, when I tell him that you almost torched yourself," Amy Madison smirked as she stared at her bright orange fireball.

"What is going on here?" Spike asked as the last of the hooded ones walked up, pulling her disguise down.

"I'm Faith, and my little friends and I are here to slay your bedazzled ass," Faith Lehane explained.

"You will OBEY me, furniture!" Spike bellowed, tearing his shirt into pieces to let his perfect diamond skin sparkle. Faith, Amy, Jonathon, Dawn and everyone not taken over burst into fits of laughter, as if they were a group of little children.

"What do you lambs find amusing about myself?!" Spike screamed.

"Oh my god, it's like a tragedy!" Amy mocked.

"It's exactly like a Greek tragedy," Jonathon agreed.

"That's it; I am going to slaughter all of you lambs now!" Spike yelped as Dawn kicked him back with her back legs.

"Get him, Faith!" Dawn shouted. Faith nodded and jump-kicked a stake right into his chest…but to no effect!

"No staking? I guess we'll have to do this the hard way," Faith said to herself, pulling out a chunky-looking dagger.

"D, Jonathon, get everyone out of here and back to the base!" Faith ordered. The two nodded and gathered the team out of the battlefield.

"I'm staying here, you need some magic muscle," Amy stated firmly.

"Heh, I'll get to kill two witches in one day, how nice," Spike chagrined.

"You won't be killing anymore today!" Faith declared, she thrust her dagger towards the Meyerpire, but he evaded swiftly and pile-drived Faith into the ground.

"You want a Big Kahuna?! Eat this!" Spike smirked and looked at the levitating witch, her eyes an incredible pitch of black and an orange, glowing energy forming around her.

"Goddess Hecate, work thy will! Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!" Amy chanted, the energy throttled itself at Spike, consuming him and transforming him…into a tiny, little rat.

"These Meyerpires aren't so hard to kill," Faith affirmed her statement by smashing Spike with her boot, he died within an instant.

* * *

"Come before me!" Stephenie bellowed as she finished a summoning spell. A large creature of some demonic nature appeared before Stephenie and roared loudly. It quickly transformed from its true form into…Tara.

"Who dares attempting to summon The First Evil?!" Tara hissed from her plump lips.

"The First Evil, I am Stephalric, one of the three Goddesses of the Hell dimens-"

"Oh my God, Stephalric," Tara smirked and transformed into Glorificus, the God that tried to use Dawn to go back home, the complete collapsing of all reality notwithstanding.

"You totally banished your fellow Goddess Glorificus to this craphole of an existence and now _you're _stuck here? I can't think of a word glamorous enough to fit this…oh wait, _karma_," Glory hooted up a storm while Stephenie glared through her chestnut eyes.

"Stop playing tricks, I have an offer for you," Glory frowned and switched back to Tara, who smiled innocently.

"Wh-what do you want from me?"

"Here's the deal: You conquer and divide the remaining non-believers in this globe and I give you more power than you could even imagine,"

"Well, I already have so much power…being able to take the form of any deceased figure, to get so many people to off themselves and all,"

"Sit down," Tara sighed and placed herself on one of Stephenie's crystal seats. Tara's smile widened upon discovering that she was corporeal.

"Logic is dead, reality is to my bending, and I can make you the most powerful demon ever! And when this is over, you get me…to be your blushing bride for the rest of time!"

"Well, sure, I'll help you, lose the bride part though,"

"No! You are going to be my one true love!!!" Tara frowned and transitioned into Spike and within a moment's time, he placed a firm grip on Stephenie's throat and choked her.

"I am only helping you for the power, if you think that I love you in any way, go back to the bloody Hell you came from!" Spike growled, getting his vamp face on.

"Oh my god, what happened to your face?!" Stephenie shrieked.

"That is the face of a _real _vampire, sod off if you can't handle it,"

"Just go and stop them, _my Adonis_!" Stephenie demanded.

"…I hate you," Spike murmured, vanishing away.

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Dawn asked Darla for the twentieth time.

"Yes! Yes, we are finally there, you ignorant child!" Darla spouted at Dawn, obviously irritated. She slammed the door open and stomped inside.

"Sorry, Darla can be kind of…moody sometimes…I think it's probably the soul," Jonathon said.

"It's alright," Dawn muttered.

"Jonathon, are these the last ones left?" Riley Finn climbed up from the lower level and immediately stepped to the group.

"Pretty much Riley, I think there may be a couple more out there, though," Jonathon replied.

"So, Riley, are you the brains behind this ragtag team of survivors, fighting against the dark forces of Stephenie Meyer and _Twilight_?" Wesley asked.

"My magic eight-ball says: Yes," Riley joked.

"Can you just get the exposition out of the way now, since Giles isn't here?" Dawn asked.

"Stephenie Meyer is actually Stephalric, a Hell Goddess. She's trying to enslave everyone through her _Twilight_ books and create her dream existence by slaughtering logic," Riley began to explain.

"She must die," Illyria stated; Wesley nodded.

"Why isn't she just wishing us dead then?" Gunn asked.

"I believe she doesn't want us dead, just assimilated." Riley answered.

"What are your plans to protect us from Stephalric?" Illyria asked as she peered around the base.

"I have an agent out scouting to see if any resistance is still left, Faith and Amy should be back at any moment, I simply recommend that you all stay here until we have a solid next move planned out," Riley finished.

"Do you have any hay?" Dawn asked. Riley nodded against her and Dawn frowned, stepping away silently.

* * *

"What's left of the Sunnydale Scoobies is here...I think; there are usually more of them." Darla mumbled as she stepped into a private room, shifting her eyes nervously to ensure she wasn't followed.

"You got them here OK?"

"Good girl,"

"I'm not your girl…I don't even know why I'm keeping you alive, let alone in here…slamming me back here and stuffing a dirty, pearly soul inside of me. That's all you were really needed for."

"Every useless person ends up finding some use in their existence,"

"I suppose," Darla sat on a bunk and looked outside.

"Sunlight…where's the fifth death I should be experiencing?"

"More of Meyer's weird science,"

"The quicksand of this soul is eating what I am…what I _was_ up…am I going to be me after we take on that witch? Or am I…am I going to-"

"Hush, babe, _she _is the one who's going to fall, _she _is the one who's not going to live through this,"

Darla smiled. She placed a pale grip on Lindsey McDonald's slightly tan face.

"I love you…my darling boy," Lindsey placed his soft, sugary sweet lips onto Darla's plump ones and formed an agonizing quick kiss. Faith and Amy screamed as they teleported inside a cloud of blue smoke behind the vampire and the lawyer.

"Get out!" Darla hissed.

"Linds…didn't know you'd still be around after we got you to bring D back," Faith greeted.

"How have you been, Faith?"

"Beaten. You?"

"Secluded."

"Cool,"

"Um…I hate to be a bit of a drag, but-"Amy started, Darla rolled her eyes and jolted up.

"Your stupid cheese in where you left it: in your stupid room!" growled Darla.

"Thank you!" Amy flew away quickly, leaving the three alone.


End file.
